A Lesson in Judgement

      

Most everyone that knows me, also knows that I am a morning person. I Absolutely love everything about the morning no matter the weather. It is the most peaceful time of the day for me and it’s another chance I get to follow through with the crazy ideas swarming around my head. It is my focused, uninterrupted time with God & my thoughts. One of my many prayers each morning is for the strength to break free from the ties that satin has on me. That strand by strand the cords will be broken, and the ties that bind me to the Lord be made stronger. Every morning, I’m thankful I’m given another chance.

I feel that judgement is a nasty strength that I possess, and it is one that I whole heartedly would like to break all ties from. It makes me miserable and nasty- it makes me ugly. I can literally feel & see this truly distorted face, of this personality that I don’t want to be in the same room with. So why would anybody else? I almost feel like it’s on the edge of demonic.

I claim that I want to give.  I want to be generous & be a blessing to others so that they can be thankful to God for answered prayers. I do truly believe that comes from my heart. I could care less if people acknowledge what I have done, or even know that I was the one to follow through with the act. I just hope they’re thankful for an answered prayer. But then my nasty judgmental self wants to be a part of what my heart is trying to do, and I realized the other day, that I want to pick & choose who is worthy to receive. Who do I think I am to make that decision?

Several times through this pandemic, I’ve bought $20 grocery gift cards & wrote a cheery “Hello Friend” & a reminder to Trust God during these crazy times. I then clipped the gift card with the note addressed “To You” to a random grocery cart. The first time I did it, I sat in the parking lot & was able to see who that “lucky” person was. I was happy with the recipient as I thought she was “worthy” of my thoughtful gift.  How happy I was with myself doing this random act of kindness & I was so proud for doing it without anyone’s acknowledgement.

The following week I bought another gift card but I did not have the supplies to write my cheery note so I decided the blessing would have to wait to be done after work.  Normally, I would go down to the park to eat my lunch by the crick, (I will not refer to the babbling brook as a “Creek”, even for publishing purposes) but today I felt the need to stay & eat there in the grocery store parking lot. I watched people wearing their masks come and go. The elderly, the young, the seemingly more successful people of our community along with those who appeared to have more financial difficulties.  I sat there picking & choosing who I thought would be lucky & worthy to receive my $20 blessing. I obviously thought the more successful people “didn’t need it” as it was only $20. It was at this very thought that God slapped me upside the head. (It happens quite frequently…)

                “Every single person you’ve seen walk by needs this!  They ALL need to read the message you put in that note. They all need to be reminded to trust in me & that I hear their prayers. They ALL need to feel loved & special”.  It was at that moment I realized it wasn’t about the $20 gift card.

It was then that I saw how much of a judgmental person I really am capable of being. The person that received that card could have had enough money to buy a year’s worth of groceries, they could have been a pastor that tries to give the message of God’s love and hope every day, or they could have been the most miserable, ornery person in town. They were all in need of, and all were deserving of that little note of hope.   Every single one of us are. Because the world is full of fear, doubt & judgmental people like me.

After work that day, I went back to the grocery store and clipped the note with the gift card inside onto a random cart in the line of many and without turning back, I left. I no longer had the need to see who received the note.

I want to live to give.  That sentence has a broader meaning to me now. It is no longer about how much I’m able to give financially to help a cause or a person.  I’m capable of giving hope, love, encouragement and the feeling of security that not being judged can bring. 

 And every one of us is in need of that.